Afterthoughts

Thank you to all who were with us through the blog or emails or phone calls. We felt your spirit. Its been about 2 weeks since the funeral and things are winding down here.

I am going to talk about my feelings right now. I am going to be frank and not sugar coat anything.

I know that what we did for my dad was a good thing. People have told me that many times. I know that one day I will feel that way too. But right now I am just feeling a bit numb, I guess. Not sure if that's even the right word. I have moments of relief that its all over and I know my dad is happy with my mom and out of pain and that is the sensible thought and truthful thought.

But then I get the wave of doubt. I worry that maybe I could have done a better job with taking care of him. That I could have cooked him better meals, or managed his pain better at the end. That maybe I made him angry or irritated him during the time that he could not communicate with me. And even though we all said our "goodbyes" and sent him off with our love, I feel there still wasn't closure. My mom passed away in her sleep unexpected and I always felt there was no closure, but even saying "goodbye", I still feel there is no closure.

I just can't feel good about any part of his death. The weird thing is, I think I missed him long before he even passed. When we brought him home on August 13th, and I started caring for him, he was not the man I knew all my life. Its hard to become the parent to your parent. His brain tumor made it so I had walk him through everything. I am so glad that at most times he didn't realize this. There were moments when he did though and those were really tough. He would cry and say he wished he could have gone like my mother did, and he wouldn't wish this on anyone. He would also say that he wished someone would put him in his bed, lock the door and through away the key. Now how do you respond to that? It was really difficult and usually I was alone with him during these conversations. It would just break my heart and I would tell him: "I know its not easy, but we love you and we are going to take care of you. Forget about locking you in a room and thowing away the key, its not gonna happen!"

Even though he was a different person he was still my dad. Now I find I miss that little boy. Its bitter sweet memories of how child like he was . Cute but sad. I had to almost detatch a bit to take care of him. I think about our drives and when I get in the car its really lonely. I haven't done anything yet in his room and I probably won't for a while. I have all his stuff here and I just can't do anything with it right now.

A friend of mine told me: "You never really grow up till you loose your parents." What a true statement. I used to be someones daughter, a child. Now I am not. I am a parent and wife. Being a child is no more for me. So I guess you mourn many things, not just the physical loss of your parents, but the loss of being a child no matter how old you are. There is a submissive comfort when talking to a parent. Someone who can tell you what you need to do and you usually do it or really think about it. A trust you have with no other. So I guess that is a large part of our phsyche that is lost too. Now you have to trust yourself.

I don't know if anyone else has felt these feelings but they are what I am feeling right now. At least a part of my feelings. There is alot more going on that I can't really decipher right now.

Thanks for reading.